My blog
Hm...no impending feelings today. But yesterday was the most wild, although nothing ended up happening, day ever. So at about Monday night at nine O' clock I get a call from George reminding me that tomorrow is Martis Gras. "remember how we've been planning to go since we were Freshman?" So what do I know, three hours later it is 1 O'clock in the morning and George, Brent, me, and some college freshman are driving to Saint Louis, Missouri, third largest Mardis Gras festival in the world. We drove the entire night, or Brent did, and arrived there about nine in the morning. George called me in sick, I had already lied up a storm to G and my parents, and we were in Saint Louis. Brent hadn't slept a second. We got there, went in a bakery with Mardis Gras balloons only to discover they didn't have punschkey(or however thats spelled). Oh, and they also told us the festivals were the previous SATURDAY. And there would be a parade at about 6. That sucked. So we took a tour through some beer manufacturing plant, got free pretzels, and started driving home. I don't have a licsence, but I drove for a good two and a half hours. George doesn't either, but he drove for three. And I got home at nine thirty, and have gotten off scotch free. I can't believe it, I didn't get in an ounce of trouble. wow. Well, I just had to pass on that little senior adventure to you. I still can't believe it actually happened.
Wow, I'm depressed. I've been depressed the whole week, heck I've been depressed for the past two months, but today especially. I am so unbelievably emotionally frustrated. I don't know how to get out this. I want to escape from myself, just burst out of this despondent box, but It's surrounding me on all sides. I know what I need. I need love. But you know what? Love isn't there. Neither is hope. Tyler was philosophizing today about the difference between love and hate. He was saying that in their purest form they are one and the same. I don't entirely agree with him, but it was interesting. I could see what he was saying.
I can't stand everything. When people say the world is so screwed up, they have no idea of the validity of that statement. Everyone is so incredibly fake. Just looking around the high school- humanity has no chance. Perhaps 2% of the teenage population are actually something other than trying to change themselves and afraid of expressing themselves. I watch the serpent of students wind down the hallways- girls clogged with make up, everyone striving to go buy some brand name clothes to "express" themselves (Hey look at me! i'm unique, I'm a "Hot Topic" Girl!), and the words people utter continuesly are concerned only with
things. The girls just sicken me. I watch them giggle and exploit their breasts in my sixth period study hall just to grapple the attention of these unfeeling males. They pretend to be oh so excited, then oh so amused, and anything but who they are. One boy slapped one across the face, ok it wasn't a full fledged slap, but it was a slap, to flirt with her. And know what the girl did? Giggled and took it. These sex driven guys act like such complete asses to upkeep their cool image, their flirtation technique is make-my-voice-monotone-and-make-fun-of-them. Not one of them actually think about any issues or anything of the sort. And the girls, also sex driven hormone machines, thinking only about whether or not their hair is curling right and where they're going to find their beer for tonight. A quote once said- "A bad person talks about people, a regular person talks about things, and a good person talks about ideas". Now there's nothing wrong about talking about people you're concerned about, or need to vent about, or curious about. What it's saying is really, just gossiping is bad. But when you walk up to someone and say "Did you know that (Insert name) is wearing a torn sweatshirt? I don't know whats wrong with her!" or "Did you know that Ian has to tape down his penis in order to control his erections?" (Actually was a rumor last year started by some blabbing "friend" of mine, and it was crap. We were goofing around in drama and while some other guys used baby powder I in an act of stupidity taped my penis to my leg...it only happened once and the rumor is NOT true) then the quote proves right.
Drama....ah, drama. Everyone was all angry today, I'm not sure why, but it kpet things interesting. I dislike drama, not drama, but the people in drama. I wouldn't mind them for who they are, but....their mean. They are. I ask a question and Esther attacks me like it was some sort of personal insult, the rest just tell me with their eyes that I'm stupid.
I heard someone say as we were leaving "let's go somewhere to eat. Let's go to Arbys". I looked and it was another liberal person from drama. Yeah, they're liberal. Let's see, we care about the problems of the world, the oppression of females by the media, the exploitation of people by the corporations, the abuse of power by the governnment. And they're going to go eat at Arbys. You can be as liberal as you want, but it's not doing anything. Arbys, like most all fast food restaurants is the worst possible place to eat. they are first of all one of the largest corporations, They go overseas and destroy other cultures, they exploit workers in other countries, they support factory farms, therefore torturing millions of animals, help cut down the rainforests to raise their cattle, serve wholly unhealthy food-but it's convenient!-that makes people obese and have heart problems, lie in their advertising, and make campaign contributions in order to insure their control. And you, who cares about the world's problems, are going to completely give in and just eat there because thats easy. Now we'll go vote, and we've done our share. When are people going to figure out that simply being liberal isn't going to change anything? Yes caring is good, but caring alone won't accomplish anything. I'm fed up with people.
And I'm still depressed, stuck in this downward spiral of unhappiness. I want to get out, but I see no light left in the world. I just sit through it everyday. I dislike life. Hope you have a good one.
I can't believe I gave in. I didn't actually think I'd do this...I mean, I would just tell any of you if you just asked what was up. But at the moment I need somewhere to vent, and our computer just got fixed, so what the heck. Blogs aren't as great as they seem, I mean it's kind of hard to write all your feelings when people are going to be reading it. For instance, if I was mad at Alex or you're feeling confused about that girl you have an unbearable crush on, you can't really let that out in here. But maybe I should. Should I just let all of you know exactly how I feel even if thats going to mess things up?
Well anyways, today was tough. Yesterday was Amber's party, which was fun, although it always ends up with Rob and I clothless. And today- today just an implosion of feelings causing my unstability to surface. It was the talent show- Oh God I wanted to be in that. I have for three years, and this year was our last chance. For once, I'd like to have the majority of the high school's attention, have them recognizing me for once. And more importantly, it had to do with reasons I can't mention due to previously stated conditions. I sat with Amber, and as I watched the acts unfold I slowly fell deeper and deeper into my melancholy. Liz was really good, I was quite impressed. Safety of Routine was good to, but I honestly thought they wern't any better than us. Now, when Emily tells you "I don't want you playing", then auditions you, and decides with two other female friends and no supervision by G who gets in, it kind of makes you wonder. And then the time they didn't have to feature us was given to Safety of the Routine to play an extra song--which they played well. I couldn't stand watching these people, all these people, as I did my heart just began to swell and when it was over I was left with this aftertaste of despair, self-pity, and love all rolled into one big ball of "unstable-insane-reckless"-and completly dripping with a scarred love. I couldn't help it. I went outside without my coat and stared at the snow. Misty saw me and asked what was wrong, and I just started to cry. I havn't cryed in a long time, but It's stupid how boys think they can't cry. I hugged Misty close, I havn't really seen her for quite a while, and just let my eyes bleed into her shoulder. Misty is a very good person to talk to when you're sad. I love you Misty. She can be quite a caring person. I told her about my plans, about how they fell apart, how I was consumed with this person and I needed to release...
Then Misty left. Maggie came out a bit later, and asked me what was wrong also, and my eyes began to water and I started to tell her, but she started talking about Rob so I turned away in disgust. And that was that. Three years of hopes and dreams all boiling down to another Greg Jenkins dream machine, female eyes swooning and ears eagerly swallowing. I just wanted a chance, I wanted to tell everyone with that one song, tell them...me.
So by that time I was spent of tears. Sorry if I was a bit harsh with you Kevin, it just really bugs me when guys start laughing when someone's upset. Don't worry about it. Well, all these pent up emotions can't just dissipate into a cloud of apathy... ...Amber took us to Dairy Queen, and I was, well, I was a little insane. It wasn't just a fun crazy, it was like an actual crazy. I kept screaming really loud outside of Dairy Queen, and then tryed hitting on the counter guy, and I told that one girl, Sara I think her name was, that she was stupid. Sara, you're never going to read this, but I really don't think you're stupid.You're probably a very nice person. The only highlight was when I went up to this group of four preppy looking Otsego girls, and asked if I could see their napkins. They said yes, and when they gave them to me I pulled back the first few and gave them a nice sloppy lick, then folded them back to their original position and handed it back to the girls. It was funny.
Then I came home and got in a fight with my dad. It was just as much my fault as it was his - we were both being assholes. All those feelings - what do they ever do for you? I ended up punching a hole in the wall.
And then I got on for the first time in several months, and Carolyn got off which really sucked because I really wanted to talk to her about everything. I really wanted to talk to you after the show too, but you left. It made me sad. So now it's 1 A.M., I'm getting sick and completly spent. There you go--a day of me. Next time please just ask. Personal contact is so much more meaningfull than typing this keyboard. But I shall continue entering journals on here for your reading satisfaction, or for those of you who don't normally converse with me. Please just talk to me-contrary to physical opinion, I do like people. I have this huge store of love- it usually gets the better of me, but I don't mind doling it out. So with all that, what else can I say? I love you.
