Maybe love isn't everything. Maybe it creates problems and can't fix anything. Was I forcing love instead of falling in love? I don't think so. Because I realized something. I got over my depression before I got together with her. I was depressed because of Carolyn for so long...my depression wasn't life in general, just one thing-a girl. Maybe it wasn't even depression, just being sad. Heck, it was just being lonely. But Working got my mind off it. I moved on. And then I met you, Rachel. I was in a happier state when I got more seriously interested in you. You wern't
someone, you had a name. You had a very specific entity. And it was you I loved. I loved you because you were so real, you didn't hide yourself, and I loved that self. I wish I could understand everything you've been through, I wish I could understand what you feel. I'm so sorry. I didn't know I was dragging you down.
I don't understand at all. Five days ago you talked like everything was all right. You said you loved me. How can everything change so quickly? I knew we were going to end, but I was hoping it would be neutral when I left. I still feel the same, I just don't get how I can lose so much in three days. The band...you....I just feel so empty. You meant so much to me, I loved being with you, you acted like you felt the same. I don't understand. I love you. Thank you for the memories.
Today has been the worst day ever, I don't even know if I should write all this for everyone, but I've gotta let this all out somehow. Any time a day is supposed to be great, it turns out to be crap. We were planning to record today, have been planning for a month. Oh, but Jerry Trudo our recording guy decides he doesn't feel like recording us today. Even though he got the schedule about a month ago. Not only that, but I also gave up going to Massaschussets to go camping with a girl I love to stay and practice. And he decides he doesn't want to record. Ok, not so bad yet, because we can still record somewhere else, until Steven pretty much decides to quit the band. He says he's through with everything and is just glad it's over. I don't think I've ever broken up with a guy before, but now I know what it's like. heck, breaking up with five guys... I started this band as a sophomore and now Steven just feels like leaving it. All that work has gone to naught. We were going to make that awesome Cd, and now we have no memento...it honestly feels almost like a break up. But thats not the worst of it. The worst of it is me. I know the problem, I've recognized the problem, now I just need to work on the problem. I get in these moods...I get depressed, and just stay that way, and after a while I don't even remember why. And you know what I think I want? I've recognized it now, I just want attention. I think lots of human emotions and actions that seem irrational are just pleas for a hug. I know that doesn't justify it, it's just a diagnosis. This is something I need to work on. It's not right for me to do that. I know what I need to do, and I'm going to do it. I'm not going to let my stupidity ruin another relationship. I really need to learn to control my emotions. I say and think that I'm an open person, but sitting on the couch downstairs alone isn't being very open. But you know what? Problems sometimes are good for a relationship. Not that one should have problems purposely, but when people can overcome them it helps them grow. Lets use this to our benefit. I mean, if it wern't for thisI would have never learned what I was doing. But I'm scared. I'm so scared right now, I'm not sure what you meant on the phone, but I WILL work on this. You mean so much to me Rachel, and if I'm scaring or hurting you I definetely need to work on it. I don't have all the answers, I don't even know what I could say that would make it alright, but I am sorry and I do want it to work. I'm not too old to change some stupid little habits I have. I don't think I need someone else, because someone else wouls put up with me. You help me realize these problems. Thank you.
